Stalk Visitors with Google AdWords Remarketing

We know that we have been remiss in our posting of plots to take over the world, but that’s just how villainy goes. You get busy. And sometimes, unlike every James Bond villain ever, you wait until after something is for sure evil and completed before revealing your master plan so that it’s not foiled completely in the last 15 minutes.

That’s why today’s piece of villainy is EPIC. To make up for the neglect.

So everyone has heard about Google AdWords Remarketing feature by now. If you haven’t, it’s time to take a break from the guild already.

This feature allows you to stalk, bother and “remarket” to visitors that find your site through the content network. If you need more info, click on the link above and read up, I’m here to talk about strategy not read you the damn dictionary.

Stalk Your AdWords Visitors

The problem: someone is screwing around on Huffington Post, they click through to your site on humping USB thumb drives and are enthralled with your selection. They click through many pages and even go so far as to add a unicorn one to their cart. Then they leave. WTF?

You have lower shipping rates than ThinkGeek and there’s even a sale on fantasy animal themed drives, so what gives? Perhaps it’s not pay day yet? Girlfriend walked in the room? Boss asked how that project was going? Firefox crashed?

Well, fear not. You’ll get them yet. Just set up a remarketing list and a custom combination to target users that abandon their cart and show ads to them again in 5 days. And you don’t have to use keywords in the ads the same way…you’re targeting a specific user….mwahahahaaa!

Ok, easy enough. But is that enough to get them back?

No.

You need ads that will not only grab their attention, but scare them a little with your stalker like abilities. Then convince them to complete that transaction. And maybe a coupon code. Those seem to help. So to help you with your marketing efforts, PPC Villain brings to you:
Super Special Stalker Remarketing Ads!

Finish It
We Know You Added to Cart. We Saw.
Get 10% Off Extra with Code: 10Off

Hilarious USB Drives
Almost Out of Humping Unicorns!
Fantasy Animal Sale Ends Today.

The Sale Ends Soon
It’s Been 5 Days, So You’d Better
Hurry! Offer Ends at Midnight.

Hey. Remember Us?
USB Fantasy Animal Drives On Sale!
Get 10% Off Extra with Code: 10Off

Awesome USB Drives
Come Back & Check Out, Sale Ending!
Ship it to Work, She’ll Never Know.

I Know Where You Live
Come Back & Check Out, Don’t Make
Me Come There. Sale Ends Soon!

You Can’t Escape
Buy Humping USB Drives. You Know
You Want To. Sale ends Soon!

Don’t Be Lame
You Added to Cart, Finish it!
Save an Extra 10% Off w/Code 10Off

Come Back & Buy It
Hilarious Humping USB Drives!
You Could be Laughing Your Ass Off.

Get Back Here Now
& Buy Hilarious Humping USB Drives!
You Used to Be Cool. Prove it.

You get the idea. The level of segmentation is downright creepy and should be exploited at every chance you get. Try it. You know you want to.

Happy Holidays from PPC Villain

That’s right, we’re sending out our holiday “love” in the same e-format as those cheapo-s over at Ask, Bing and Google. Yahoo sent over a “personal music system” in attempt to get us to stop attacking their suckiness, but it won’t work. Google sent nothing, but a donation to one of 30 possible charities. One which has something to do Nazis. (Apparently they are not for them.) So, instead of spending all our time and resources on making producers and designers come up with some flash video, we stole all the search engine ones and put them here.

ENJOY sucker.

Yes, both Ask and MSN did snow globes. Apparently there aren’t any other non-denominational objects out there.
With the subject line: Unwrap your holiday gift from Microsoft Advertising. (WTF)

Awww, this one doesn’t even flash or move or blink or….do anything.

At least Yahoo’s was interactive. Build your own snowman.

Google sent a spinning globe. Woot.

BOR-ING.

PPC Villain Mourns the Demise of the Yahoo Search Submit Program

Here are PPC Villain, we would like to take a moment and reflect on the passing of one of the greatest search engine optimization scams: Yahoo Search Submit. Creating and building up a search engine with a decent following (great international following according to one of the questions in the now defunct Yahoo Search Ambassador exam) and then charging companies and people to be “expedited” into the organic search results is brilliant. Charging just enough for the unsuspecting user to go “oh I need this, it’s only $50 anyway” and then pocketing the cash for what the user could have done for free. Like go to Yahoo’s site submittal portal. Hats off to Yahoo for running this scheme for years and jeers for closing it down just when things are getting hairy.

If anything you should have doubled the price! That’s what the PPC villain would have done.

Using Yahoo’s Double Serving to Your Advantage

You ever notice that if you scroll all the way down to the bottom of a Yahoo search results page (I know, who does that?) you’ll see that there are two “sponsor results.” But what was interesting is that the exact same two ads also appeared at the top of the right hand navigation as well.

If this isn't double serving, I don't know what is.

Immediately I thought “double serving!” but decided to consult my villainous crystal ball (Yahoo reps) about it first.

It was explained to me that because those sponsor results get buried down at the bottom of the page it was only fair that the same ads also appear at the top of the right sidebar as well. (True, I never scroll to the bottom of a Yahoo search results page. But apparently some people do.) I asked if that meant it was technically better to bid for the 5th or 6th position then so that you could appear on the page twice and was met with silence and a change of subject.

Then I asked the important question: if my ad appears twice– does that mean it counts for two impressions?

Paige Veus: “So, does that mean that there are two impressions counted?”

Crystal Ball: “Uhhhh, you know, I’m not sure.”

Paige Veuxs: “Or is it just one?”

Crystal Ball: “It’s one. Yeah, just one.”

Funny. We went from not sure to very very certain in a matter of 10 seconds. So, if it really only counts once, why wouldn’t you exploit the heck out of this?

No reason!

Statistically speaking, the more times you appear on a search results page the more chances you have of getting that visitor. Make a plan:

1. Pick a couple of keywords that you really want to go after that have a fair size of competition.

2. Bid for that 5th and 6th position on those popular keywords! Let those chumps battle it out for 1-3 and pay the premium.

3. Pick a page that you want to use for the destination URL for those keywords and optimize your SEO structure for that page for those keywords, specific to Yahoo (not Google).

4. Appear 3 times.

5. Laugh maniacally.

The Villain’s Client Excuse List and How to Hide Boo Boos

You’ve already use “the economy” as a cover up for several vacations this year (and why you didn’t answer your phone for 3 weeks), but what do you when you simply need a 4 day weekend? Or when funneling that spend into an offshore gambling account on a hot tip turned out to be a cold fish? Well, fear not. As usual, the Villain is here to help you slide by.

Blame Quality Score
Not enough impressions? Budget spent too much? Not enough? Explain how Quality Score is an evil beast that magically and mathematically is keeping you down.

Blame the Landing Page
Once again, call up on the mysteriousness of Quality Score and explain that the low QS is due to the landing page and that the client is going to need to take that back to the designer and re-do it.

Not Doing Enough
Need to make it look like you’re working? Use AdWords Editor, do a simple find and replace on all ad text and a few bid adjustments, upload and poof! It looks like you spend all afternoon making 70 meticulous account changes. If you’ve got an automated bid management system, set some very basic bid rules at a low amount and let the system take over!

Blame the Shopping Cart
We all know that 60% of online retailers have at least a 20% cart abandonment rate. (Thanks Yahoo.) Why can’t your client be in that 60%?

Blame the New Interface
If they can’t find it, they can’t bug you. Re-arrange the columns that are displaying and the order in which they display to create a shroud of mystery.

Use Conversions 1 per Click and Many per Click
Whichever one makes you look better is the one you should use. If the client asks about the other kind, make up something about last click attribution.

Use SEO and Direct stats
Take credit for at least 10-20% of those sales that come in off of searches and direct. You know that PPC influences those anyway and since the client didn’t want to invest in anything that wasn’t free, how can they prove that your ads didn’t bring in that revenue anyway?

Creative Reporting
We’ll explore this more in depth another day, there are some serious ways to make yourself look awesome without having done a thing. But for now, don’t use graphs, omit stats like cost per action and sales from PPC. Instead focus on big numbers like impressions, CTRs and overall site sales.

My Dog Died
This one is never old and should always be used. If you’re after just a four day weekend, go with the dog. If it’s a week, use grandma and if it’s a month use a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Changes in the Algorithm
Blame sudden drops in anything on an algorithm change. McDonald’s might not have changed their secret sauce in 29 years, but search engines are always “tinkering” and “doing updates.” Sprinkle in descriptors like that to add a sense a vagueness and eliminate follow up questions.

Flip Between Prepay and Postpay
Since each engine is a little different and accepts multiple forms of payment options and plans, confuse them with whichever one they’re on. If you overspent, say you had to “refill” the account. If you just needed some extra cash, then you had to issue and sent them an “invoice” because you were transitioning their account and totally covered their bill for them to avoid an interruption in ad service.

Use this list to gain every advantage that you can and cover your butt in any way possible. And yes, you’re welcome.

Profiting from Patriotism

The 4th of July got us all thinking about patriotism. And how people spend an awful lot of money to prove theirs. Surely there must be some way for PPC to corner that sense of duty and pride and turn a profit. And then it hit us: use patriotism in ads to get people to buy. Duh.
Yes, we are aware the 4th is long past, but Paige Veuxs is French and celebrates Bastille Day. File this away for next year. Marketers are supposed to think months in advance anyway. Besides, any time is a time for patriotism! Right?

We now present: Profiting from Patriotism


Buy American
It Doesn’t Matter What it is-
Just Buy it. Made in the USA.
www.america.com

Bald Eagle Statues
Show Your Patriotism with a
Bald Eagle Resin Statue.
www.animal-statues.com

Download Good Ringtones
Choose America the Beautiful not
Some Foreign Devil Song.
www.ringtones.com

Paste Flags on Everything
Adding a US Flag Sticker Says “I’m
an American!” On Sale Now.
www.flag-stickers.com

I Love America Stickers
100′s of Bumper Stickers to Show
What You Believe In. Shop Now
www.flag-stickers.com

Stop Layoffs
Buy Our 100% Made in the USA Tools.
China & Mexico are out to get you.
www.ustools.com

Uncle Sam Approved
T-Shirts, Pants, Overalls & More!
Buy here: it’s the right choice.
www.usaclothing.com

Wooden Toys
Lincoln Loved His Wooden Toys,
You’ll Love Ours. Union Approved!
www.woodentoys.com

Premium Teas
Throw Your Own Boston Tea Party, No
Tax Sale on Chinese Green Tea.
www.importedteas.com

Sewing Supplies
Besty Ross wouldn’t use anything
but our thread on Old Glory!
www.sewingbasket.com

Red, White & Blue
These Colors Don’t Run. And Neither
Do Our 100% Cotton Towels!
www.linens.com

Online Discount Mall
United We Stand- Over 30 Stores
to Shop From at Home! All Online.
www.twiggle.org

Domination Seminar Revisited

For those of you that have only been following the ways of the Villain for a short time, we’re re-releasing the magical, devious video that started it all: PPC Villain Domination Seminar #1.

Being Evil with PPC Trademarks

Google AdWords announced that starting June 15th, it’ll be open season on trademarked terms in ads. While re-sellers are celebrating in the streets, planning on swooping in on all the ad text they can write for Nike, Dell, the NBA and Sony, some of us are a little more protective of our precious trademarks. Those ™s don’t file themselves you know.

So, how do you still capture that brand name searcher when you’re the brand name? Sure you’ll have the lower CPC and all cause you’re more “relevant” – but still,  competition is competition and it must be crushed. (Even if they are your own affiliate. Why pay them 8% that you can keep for yourself?)

Mr. Burns said it best: “Family, religion, friendship … these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.”

Eggcellent...

What’s the plan? It’s a two-pronged attack. First prong: scream from the rooftops in your own branded keyword ads that you are the original, the official, and the never-duplicated. Second prong: buy their branded keywords and Trash and Sully Your Competitors Effectively. Working those two hand-in-hand will surely crush all hopes and dreams of those infringing on your trademark.

Examples:

You are the Acai Berry drink creator…

Drink Acai Berry Soda
Get The Real Thing
Not the Fake Acai Soda.

Fake Acai Berry
Bob’s Acai Sodas aren’t the Real
Thing. Monkey Urine Added.

You are Apple…

Real Macbook Air
With Warranties & Support.
You’ll Have to Pay Elsewhere.

Macbook Air Sale
Available with Warranty for
Additional $500! Breaks easy.

You are Vera Wang…

Vera Wang Weddings
Genuine Vera Wang Wedding
Dresses from our NYC showroom.

Vera Wang Dresses
Made in the Phillipines &
Cost the Same as the Showroom!

You are the NBA…

Official NBA Gear
Authentic Jerseys, Hats &
Sportswear from the NBA.

NBA Stuff
Made in China, Most items
are Spelled Correctly.

You are Office Depot…

Office Depot Store
Online 24-7, Shop the
Real Office Depot Now!

Office Depot
Office Supplies Ship in 10-12
Months, When We Feel Like It.

You are Sephora Cosmetics…

Sephora Online Store
Official Site of Sephora Stores!
Buy Online just like in the Store

Not Sephora Online
Animal-Tested, Rash-Inducing Cosmetics
that are not really from Sephora.

Also, please note how I used real companies and infringed-upon real trademarks in this post. Let the games begin!

World Domination is Coming Soon

Mwahahahaaa!

It’s finally come to this, the teachings of the Villain have been accepted as gosspel. Paige Veuxs (yours truly) will be appearing in June at SMX Advanced in Seattle on a certain PPC panel about certain PPC tactics.

Which one? Well that would be like revealing the entire diabolical plan to the good guy while trying to kill him and then him not dying, escaping and telling everyone, thus ruining your diabolical scheme!

And that would be dumb.

How to Write Ads for Women

Get in touch with your feminine side and get those women to buy. They are half of the population after all. Use guilt, chocolate, tell her she’s right, not like her mother, whatever. Write ads that really speak to women and watch the money roll in. It’s not that hard, see?

You’re Right
Completely and Totally Right.
So Right, You Get Free Shipping.
www.autoparts.com

Cute Shoes
Look like you wear a size 5!
Our shoes slim and shape the foot.
www.shoesforgiantfeet.com

He’s An Idiot
Tell Him how Much of an Idiot
With a Free eCard. Lots of Designs!
www.ecardsforwomen.com

Free Chocolate
With Any Car Insurance Plan.
Get Chocolate Truffles Now!
www.carinsuranceplans.com

It’s Your Wedding Day
You Should Have Everything.
Including a Secure Server.
www.firewallsforyou.com

You’re Not Your Mother
It’s like you were adopted.
Shop Coffee Makers Now!
www.coffeemakeroutlet.com

She’s Just Jealous
Prove it by Downloading the
Newest & Hottest Ringtones.
www.hottestringtones.com

He Just Doesn’t Get it
Don’t Waste Your Time, Get
Used and New DVDs for Less!
www.DVDdelight.com

You Need a New Purse
It’s Been Awhile, Treat Yourself.
Latest Styles, Colors & Brands.
www.purseheaven.com

Buy it, buy it!

Grey’s Anatomy Gossip
We like that show a lot too.
Shop Larry’s Linen Closet!
www.larryslinens.com

Don’t Waste Away
You Can Afford a Bacon Burger.
You Had that Diet Soda at lunch.
www.baconburgers.com

Terry Cloth Track Suits
Are Always in Style. Don’t
Waste Wearing Them at the Gym.
www.90dollartracksuits.com

Pretty Pens
Write in Pink or Purple and
Dot Your i’s with Hearts.
www.penpalace.com

Avoid Wedding Disasters
Get the Dress, the Tiara &
the Swans. You Earned it.
www.Bridezilla.com

Be The Anti-Golden Girl
Don’t Look like Bea Arthur.
Get Anti Wrinkle Cream Here.
www.say-no-to-old.com

Ackkkkkk!